Hurty Elbow

Facebook Retouching by PicWash

Old people on the internet are always saying, "I'm so pixelated.  Can you remove the pixelation around my eyes?  I'm just so jaggy."  No, not really, but there is a service that can remove blemishes for free... after you pay $7.

PicWash is a niche retouching company that caters to everyday photos.  It's a lot more than red-eye reduction, but a little less than bust-enhancement.  For $7-$10 they can get rid of yellow teeth, crows feet, and greasy forehead within 48 hours.  It's incredibly useful for deception on social networks.  Now you can impersonate someone using your own photos!

Say you'd like to post a really hot photo on Facebook, but you're human and you have pores.  PicWash can enhance your photo and shoot your self-esteem through the roof.  Making you popular and very, very wealthy.

Remember, you have to look your best online 'cause the internet is forever.

• PicWash
• PicWash Examples
• Buikhu - Get Manipulated
• Mona Lisa's Redbook Cover Photo
• The World of Fashion: Pixel Perfect

pictalkies #4 - Death & Cigarettes

Technical difficulties yesterday.  Good thing Tuesday's just a Monday with a day tacked on.

Pictalkies: The funniest photos you've ever heard.
New on Mondays!

Pictalkies #4 - Death & Cigarettes
A cigarette's dying wish.

watch video at blip.tv

Extended Closed Captions
Cigarette: When I go, I want to be cremated.  I don't... I don't really have any other options.  Just stick me in an ashtray.

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Your snaps could have a starring role.
Submitting material indicates you allow hurtyelbow.com to publish and use your pictures in any manner for this and future projects without payment or fee.

Not Cute Enough: Depression

Not Cute Enough for Snorable.org.

Depression hurts.  Doggy depression hurts more.  It's like the weight of the world is crushing down on your four little legs.

Thoughts of suicide are common.  Your dog may try eating chocolate, raisins, or tomatoes.  These could all cause bodily harm.  Be sure to also check behind your car wheels every morning before work.

Thankfully there are doggy depression medications such as Prozac.  Natural antidepressants include dog bones, tennis balls and fetch.  Some dogs get more depressed after long walks.  They're tired.  Man.

If you, or someone you know has a dog that's exhibiting symptoms of depression please talk to your veterinarian.  There's always a light at the end of the tunnel.

pictalkies #3 - Alarm Clock on Trial for Attempted Murder

Pictalkies: The funniest photos you've ever heard.
New on Mondays!

Pictalkies #3 - Alarm Clock on Trial for Attempted Murder
Lifetime of loud beeps lead to heart condition.

watch video at blip.tv

Extended Closed Captions

Plaintiff: Your honor.  My alarm clock is trying to kill me.

Cut to alarm clock defendant surrounded by clock relatives & family.

Plaintiff: I was trying to sleep, and then there's this noise.  I set the time the night before, but I still can't sleep.  I haven't slept for days.  I don't even know what day it is.  All I know is it's coming in the morning no matter what.  Now I have a heart condition.  It developed over the past 5 years, but this is definitely attempted murder your honor.

Credits

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Your snaps could have a starring role.
Submitting material indicates you allow hurtyelbow.com to publish and use your pictures in any manner for this and future projects without payment or fee.

pictalkies #2 - Unpredictable Transportation

Pictalkies: The funniest photos you've ever heard.
New on Mondays!

pictalkies #2 - Unpredictable Transportation
Bring two horses, just in case your car breaks down.

watch video at blip.tv

Extended Closed Captions

Tired old man carrying large chain and leading two horses through the snow.

Old Man: Why am I the only one who's freaked out about the size of these snowflakes?  We should get to dinner soon before one of them kills us.  I brought two horses with this time, just in case the car breaks down again.

Cut to Pic of Car Upside Down

Old Man: It's been pretty unpredictable lately without... wheels.  But don't worry, I'm having the rim replaced soon with, a wooden wheel.  It won't go flat, but it might start on fire.  I'm leaving the broken headlight as well.  It's fine if I just close one eye.

Cut to Man

Old Man: Here I brought you a necklace.  It's a little heavy, so remember to lift with your legs.

End Credits

Horse: I don't have any arms!

Submit photos for Pictalkies
Your snaps could have a starring role.
Submitting material indicates you allow hurtyelbow.com to publish and use your pictures in any manner for this and future projects without payment or fee.

Plant Names That Are Obviously Deadly

Nature's great for fresh air, but being outside all the time could lead to eating plants.  So if there's a weed growing through  a crack in the sidewalk, can you eat it?

Who knows?  Thankfully most of nature's been paved over so you don't have to worry about deadly poisonous plants.

Plant Names That Are Obviously Deadly*
If you eat these, you're an idiot.

Bleeding Heart
Blood flows through the heart anyway, so it's not that bad?  It is.  Hope eating flowers was worth it.

Poison Hemlock
The most famous person poisoned by hemlock was Socrates.  Were you more famous?

Death Angel Mushrooms
They sounded so harmless.

Choke Cherry
Choking on anything can kill you, but a twig from this tree can choke you, poison you, and then steal your wife.

Devil's Trumpet
If you listen closely and touch one you could hallucinate and fall into a coma.  Kind of like techno.

Skunk Cabbage
It's pungent odor should've been a warning sign not to eat it.  Too bad you can't smell anymore, 'cause you were poisoned.

Strychnine Tree
The bark is poisonous.  It's great for treehouses!

*You might need to be a dog, goat, or other animal to be poisoned. Congratulations to you my friend.  You're a goat who can read.

More Poisonous Plant Info:
Cornell University Poisonous Plants Informational Database

Pictalkies #1 - Urinal

Pictalkies: The funniest photos you've ever heard.
New on *Mondays!

Pictalkies #1 - Urinal
Life's demeaning; especially if you're a urinal.

Extended Closed Captions

Lonely urinal in a corner.

Urinal: I'm tired of getting pissed on by everybody I meet.  They just dangle it in front of my face.  No I don't want to see that, yes put it away.  It wasn't supposed to be this way you know.  I could've been a sink.  At least I'm not stuck in a stall.  They have it worse.  Hold on, someone's coming.

Blackout.

Urinal: Gargle, gargle, gargle.

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Submitting material indicates you allow hurtyelbow.com to publish and use your pictures in any manner for this and future projects without payment or fee. 

Pictalkies FAQ
What are Pictalkies?
Pictalkies are funny talking photographs.  Kind of like animated captions.  e.g. Your toaster caught fire because it hates you.

What are "Extended Closed Captions"?
Online video should be short.  Visiting hurtyelbow.com gives you exclusive access to the original script with bonus jokes that didn't make the final cut.

Can you animate my photos?
Probably.  Everything shoots pictures now.  Your toothbrush has a camera in it.  You can send pics to your dentist.  You probably have an image that'd be great for Pictalkies.

What kind of pictures work best?
At least medium quality photos of objects, people, animals, candids, vacation photos, etc.  Let's make a sunset talk.  Shall we?  Photo series are welcome.  Side profiles of subjects will not work. 

Submit photos for Pictalkies
Submitting material indicates you allow hurtyelbow.com to publish and use your pictures in any manner for this and future projects without payment or fee.

*Schedule subject to change.

Not Cute Enough: Rustic Bacon

Not Cute Enough for Snorable.org.

You wake up, and you want bacon.  You want bacon so bad, but you can't find it anywhere.  You'd try the fridge, but you're not at home.  You're out about running errands, in the middle of nowhere.  Sometimes, you just have to resort to rustic bacon.

This animal is where rustic bacon comes from.  A wild boar pig thing with large tusks.  It may also be what tofu is made of.

Hunting rustic bacon has its pitfalls.  Boar attacks are painful, and you might get "food" poisoning, but you'll grin and bear it because bacon is delicious.

Inappropriate Responses

• Cop: Your tail light is out.
  Driver: I'm blind.

• Doctor: Turn your head and cough.
  Patient: Last time I saw the eye doctor, I kept my pants on.

• Wife: I'm pregnant.
  Husband: Who's the father?

• Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer: So hungry!
  Santa: Try the venison.

• Girlfriend: ...so I got detention, and that's probably the worst thing I've ever done.
  Boyfriend: I killed a man.

• Patient: Wha wa dat crack zound?
  Dentist: Looks like today's half price.

Not Cute Enough: Malaria

Not Cute Enough for Cute Overload.

Female mosquitoes love biting people.  Their tiny straw drains blood and afterwards they use it to spread malaria.  That's pretty much all they do.  Sometimes they mate.

Mosquito bites itch, because of the malaria.  It's highly contagious as well.  You can get it by sharing drinks, or from kissing a mosquito.  Some people are immune to mosquito bites.  These people will never die.

Some symptoms of Malaria are fever, chills, and nausea.   Feeling ill?  You might have it now!  If you're truly unlucky it's possible your malaria can lead to coma and death.  Don't worry though, it's totally not that deadly.

You can use insect repellent and periodically slap yourself in random places to ward off mosquitoes.  Long sleeves and pants will also help, unless you're on a hiking trail and someone has stolen all of your clothes.

Keep in mind, there is no vaccine for malaria.  So, it's a lot like rabies.  At least dog bites don't itch, right?